So, not much action from me the last couple of years. I'll tell you why, in case anybody reads this.
A while back, my wife cheated on me with a few guys. I sent her packing, but after some thought I had decided to take her back. I figured do I really want to be sitting here years from now thinking I had made the wrong decision? At the time we had a child together whom I absolutely adored and didn't relish the thought of being a stranger in his life like my father was in mine.
After I took her back, she cheated on me again, while I was away in the states for six weeks with work. But then we got pregnant with our second child and somehow I thought this might improve things. It didn't, really.
When I found out (from her best friends) in the summer of 2009 that she had cheated on me, I was destroyed. I already suffered from depression brought on by my job, as well as PTSD from when I was in Bosnia many years ago. This is what finally broke me. I had a complete emotional breakdown. I took a week off work as I was completely useless and suicidal on top of that.
She was my greatest love. My One.
And she had betrayed me in a way I never thought possible from her. Not once, not twice, but four times. And, according to her besdt friends, would have continued for as long as she could get away with it with as many guys as she could, had they not good me and I confronted her about it.
So yeah, I was completely and utterly destroyed.
But I took her back.
I was never even angry with her. Ever. Only hurt.
I would have slowly tortured the guys she cheated on me with. I would have skinned them alive over the course of weeks, keeping them alive only to prolong their suffering. I felt anger and hatred of the deepest, most vilest kind against them.
But with her I felt only sadness and hurt.
And so I took her back.
Things were rough after that, obviously. I had seen a psych who had prescribed me a heavy cocktail of drugs, which helped, but never erased the hurt or the memories. Only dulling them enough to let me continue living.
Might I also take this time to mention that one of my wife's friends who told me about all of this was a devious evil bitch who relished telling me every detail that she knew. And there were many, explicit details. So I had all of that in my head to fuel my pain over the years.
In the summer of 2012, my wife hit a very rough patch in her life. Cat fighting at work had resulted in her being suspended indefinitely. Her mother was diagnosed with cancer. I believe that she suffered from postpartum depression, as I believed she did after our son wsad born in 2008. And, she's bipolar. Plus there were other issues around that time as well. Also, she was very upset that I did not trust her anymore...duh.
She was not having a good summer and, as she always did, she would take it out on me. Her best friend and I had hoped it would pass before things came to a head, but they only got worse.
It was eventually decided that we would have a trial separation. I would find a place for a month, two tops and we would work on our relationship. It seemed like the best option, as under the same roof things would not get worked on and would only continue to get worse.
So, October 2012, I moved began renting a room a few km away.
Little did I know that for her a trial separation meant "get a profile on a free dating site and start sleeping around."
So within a week, the trial separation had turned into a permanent one. And for the second time, I was completely and utterly destroyed.
I haven't taken a single photograph (except on my phone) since September 2012.
I spent the remainder of 2012 and parts of 2013 suicidally depressed.
I don't expect to take another photograph again for a very long time. If ever.
I am still painfully in love with my now ex-wife. She treats me horribly every day whether I see her or not. In front of the kids too.
For more than s year now, she has paraded guys through the house, kids around and everything. She has been with nearly twenty different guys that I know of and her best friend tells me I don't know the half of it.
The only thing keeping me from stepping off the ledge to a seven foot drop at the end of the rope is the love of my beautiful daughter.
And even then, there are days I get the rope out and pack it in a bag for my final trip out of the house.
And that is why this account has been inactive for a while.
Listening to: my baby girl snoring in bed beside me.